When Words Won't Do

The First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution forbids censorship, but the U.S. Government, Media Networks and their sponsors often censor.

To find out why, I met with Mark Kissoff, head of Standards & Practices, the censorship arm of a major Media Network.

"Why is there censorship," I asked Mark. "Because various groups demand it," he replied. "And we don't want to offend anyone."

"And because censorship is illegal," Mark added. "We call ourselves 'Standards & Practices.' "

So here's what we do," Mark continued. "A woman's breasts are called 'ta-tas.' Vaginas and penises are called 'junk.' There are no pussys, orgasms, erections, ejaculations or masturbation, and we try to avoid Gay, Lesbian or LGBT."

"There are also no cock suckers or mother fuckers or sons of bitches. There is no asshole and there is no bullshit, but you can say 'BS.' "

"We never discuss menstrual cycles and a pregnant woman isn't pregnant, she's 'going to have a baby.' We don't talk about how she got that way."

"We never say fuck or fucking," said Mark. "At times, we allow 'frigging' "

Just then, the guy in the next cubicle screamed, "fuck" as he spilled hot coffee on himself. Mark winced, but didn't comment.

"When it comes to bathroom functions, " said Mark, "We never say shit or piss. Women go to 'the little girls room' and men don't use the bathroom."

"We do allow people to say, crap or crapola and to call bad guys, mutts."

What about politics," I asked. "There are none," Mark replied. "Nor are there wars or religions, other than in crime shows, and even there, usually in vague terms."

We can say God, but He never 'damns.' And with Jesus, we prefer 'Jeez' or 'Jeez - Louise.' Muslims exist, as does Allah, but Muhammad is too controversial and we prefer 'Heck' to Hell.

"Speaking of controversial, only black people can say, 'nigger.' Everyone else must say 'the n-word.' "

"This has been very informative," I said. "Thank you. May I tell readers?"

"Don't you dare," Mark snapped angrily. "It will make us look like idiots."

"If you do, we will try to redact [censor] it, but if it does get published then you can go to Heck, you frigging mutt."

With Love To All ~ Dick