Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Licking A Sonoran Desert Toad

On October 31st, The U.S. National Park Service issued a Facebook alert: Do not lick Sonoran Desert Toads! Why?

The little toads emit a potent hallucinogenic toxin, meaning licking these little guys can cause you to hallucinate.

Now you may be thinking Dick, this is just what I want, especially when I can lick these little toads for free. 

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Tuesday, November 1, 2022

The Cycles Of Life

As Mira laid in her hospital bed, her doctor told her she was at life's end. Instead of being upset, she smiled and requested a bowl of ripe red strawberries, some whipped cream and two forks.

Earlier that day, her family and friends had visited her and spoke of all the good times they had shared with her. Now with her diagnosis, Mira was at peace with herself.

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Friday, October 28, 2022

The First Elvis Impersonator

In present-day, Myanmar, researchers have discovered a 99-million-year-old hairy snail, about 1 inch long.

In looking at him, I thought of Elvis Presley, which means if other people can see that image too, it makes him the first Elvis impersonator.

With Love To All - Dick

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Monday, October 24, 2022

The Father - Son Talk

I think of my Mini Cooper as a son. His name is Mini and at 16 it is time to have what fathers call The Talk, so I can give him valuable life lessons. If you have a son, these lessons may be useful to you. Here is what I will say:

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The Wisdom Of The Animal Kingdom

"This is the case of the Wise Old Owl vs the Jackass," the Lion mightily roared as he called the court to order.

"Mr. Jackass is accused of harassing Mr. Owl on social media, arguing endlessly that only he is right and using nasty language and every harsh computer symbol to scream his feelings."

"Mr. Jackass is also accused of recruiting other jackasses on social media to join in harassing Mr. Owl, after Mr. Owl repeatedly tried to reason with Mr. Jackass, using science and logic. 

"Having read all the postings, I'm ready to issue my verdict."

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Saturday, October 1, 2022

Finding Paradise

In the vast blue waters of the Pacific Ocean, lies a beautiful new island. As a lifelong seeker of paradise, I moved there. And I loved it! 

But soon I became lonely and invited others to join me. From everywhere they came, and we named our island, Paradise.

But one day, things began to change:

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Monday, September 5, 2022

My Great Credit Card Adventure

Has this ever happened to you?

Your credit card is hacked, your bank cancels your card, but unknowingly you still use the card. This happened to me! I got a prescription at the drug store, used my card and the adventure began:

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Thursday, August 18, 2022

The Safest Vehicle

Dear Reader, This story is meant strictly in humor. Please enjoy.

In the news, Toyota is recalling all of its electric SUV's because the wheels may fall off, and GM is recalling nearly 1/2 million large SUV's because of seat belt issues. Car recalls happen regularly. 

Because my dear friend Yanin Ontiveros may buy a new car, she asked my advice. To assure her the safest of vehicles for her family, I made an usual recommendation:

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Monday, August 15, 2022

The Village Idiot

In my village, I've long been the unchallenged idiot for taking positions everyone knows are wrong. 

For I oppose censorship, including "hate speech," arrest of non-violent marijuana dealers, the U.S. wars and endless government deficit spending.

But now I have many village idiot challengers. News stories misstating everything from viruses, to national security/espionage, to the environment are everywhere.

These many perpetrators by comparison are making me appear intelligent, which I never thought could happen.

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Thursday, August 11, 2022

Starbucks, Fruit Drink Of Champions

Dear Reader, 

Joan Kominis of Queens, New York filed a lawsuit claiming that several of the Starbucks fruit drinks don’t actually contain the fruit their names imply, and instead are "predominantly made with water, grape juice concentrate, and sugar."

Because I love drinks comprised of water, grape juice concentrate and sugar, I’ve become a devoted fan of Starbucks’ “fruit” drinks. Each day, I tell my Barista to serve me a “Trenta,” a nearly 2-pound drink. But today, everything changed:   

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Monday, August 1, 2022

Becoming Yoda

Dear Reader, 

A lawsuit was filed against candy company Mars, claiming its Skittles are “unfit for human consumption.” The suit focuses on titanium dioxide, which it calls a “toxin,” causing cancer and altering DNA. https://www.washingtonpost.com/food/2022/07/18/skittles-lawsuit-toxin-titanium-dioxide/

Because I eat Skittles morning, noon and night, I got upset as I noticed the DNA changes in my body. I am now 2-feet tall, green and look and talk like Yoda as these words slipped out, “People to sue us we want not.” In a panic, I contacted my dear friend Yanin Ontiveros to find out what to do.

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Thursday, July 21, 2022

A Happy Marriage

A 75-year-old couple, Howard and Emily, with glee, were about to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

As their family and friends gathered for this special occasion, Howard suddenly said, "There can be no-more evasion."

"There is something I must say and say it today. For years I've been secretly seeing someone else, and now she is free and wants to be with me." 

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Tuesday, July 12, 2022

Running Backward

The Potomac Valley Track Club in Virginia just held the US’s first backward track race. There were 14 competitors in 4 events and the Club plans to make this an annual event. 

After reading this, I was so inspired, that this morning I began running backward. So far I’ve run all the way back to 1986.

By the time I’m done running, I expect to shake hands with Abraham Lincoln.

With Love To All - Dick

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Friday, July 1, 2022

The Great Grocery Store Incident

I went shopping today and while in the store, I visited the cereal aisle. There were what I call Coco Fruity Puffs, cereals loaded with sugar, preservatives, artificial coloring, etc.

My stomach took one look and thrust me against the grocery cart. It said, “If you eat one bite, I will use your hands to strangle you."

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Saturday, June 25, 2022

Jesus' Kid Brother Shmekel

Occasionally, I've had the great pleasure of being with Jesus. It happened again recently at a homeless shelter shortly after he finished serving breakfast to those in need.

I asked Jesus if we could talk. "Of course my son," he replied. "Can we walk and talk?" "Happily Jesus," I answered.

As we walked out the door, he greeted some homeless people on the sidewalk, and one of them had a puppy. 

"May I hold your puppy for a moment," he asked. "Of course," the man replied. And Jesus snuggled the little dog and gave it back to him.

"I love dogs," Jesus told the man.

And then Jesus turned to me.  "How can I help you my son," he asked with a gentle smile.

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Tuesday, May 10, 2022

The Mysteries Of Methuselah

One of the most remarkable biblical figures is Methuselah. Born in 3007 BC, he lived to be 969 the longest life span in human history. 

In addition, he became a first-time father at the age of 187, with the birth of his son Lamech by his wife Naamah. He later had more children and wives. 

In our search for enlightenment, we must ask questions about this incredible man:

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Monday, April 18, 2022

Paying For Noah's Ark

Noah is a biblical figure who God commands to build an Ark so The Almighty can then flood the world to rid it of evil. According to Genesis (6:14 -16): The Ark is to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high. 

Here is the conversation between God and Noah as I envision it.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Talking Mushrooms

Recently, a British scientist announced mushrooms can "talk" to each other, with a vocabulary of about 50 words. 

I read this news in a real newspaper! (See: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/apr/06/fungi-electrical-impulses-human-language-study)

This is stunning but true because I then spoke with the mushrooms in my yard. I thought we'd be friends, but their leader Herbie shouted, “We want a dental plan!”

“Why,” I replied. “You don’t have teeth! “What are you”, yelled mushroom Maria, “A cheapskate?” Then they all started to grumble until I agreed to buy a dental plan for them.

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Monday, April 4, 2022

Holy Pozole!

As an entrepreneur, I'm always looking for new opportunities and when I read about competitive eater Leah Shutkever, I thought I found one.

Leah is a trim 32-year-old who set a new world record when in 60 seconds she ate nearly 1 pound of McNuggets (19 McNuggets). From this and more Guinness eating records she holds, she has over 174,000 Instagram followers.

I was up for the challenge, when I was told McNuggets aren't vegetarian. I'm a vegetarian, and very disappointed. 

So I ask: Will McDonald’s ever create veggie McNuggets? And if so, would they be edible? And if not, would they still be good on pizzas? 

I'm still awaiting answers.

With Love To All - Dick

Note - Pozole is a popular Mexican dish.

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My Great New Product

Americans are obsessed with weapons, but often ignore the consequences. It's legal to build an arsenal powerful enough to destroy anything in its path. 

Being an entrepreneur, I'm always seeking economic opportunity, and when it comes to weapons, it is hard to go wrong, especially if one turns a blind eye to the destruction they can cause.

Now I've created a great new product, "Pocket Drones," modeled on U.S. military drones but far smaller.

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The First Dog Governor of California

Covid lockdowns, Zoom classes, extreme and contradictory restrictions and mandatory vaccinations set off a firestorm and Californians demanded change.

But the politicians didn't listen and some ignored their own rules, so the people elected Lenny, a tiny Chihuahua as governor of California.

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Wednesday, February 2, 2022

The Happiest Place On Earth

Yesterday my gardener and I discovered a whole gopher community has formed in my backyard. Little piles of soil are everywhere!

An hour later the situation grew worse when the gophers formed a homeowners association and are now demanding a swimming pool, free beer and TV sets.

And if that wasn't enough, one of the gophers mooned me.

I’m at my wits end! I never kill gophers so I’m asking my gardener to return next week with gopher repellent. 

But there is an alternative! I could leave them at Disneyland, officially called "The Happiest Place On Earth," where greater happiness would await them, and like so many Disney characters before them, they may become a major attraction.

And if they do, they will learn never to moon people.

With Love To All - Dick

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Monday, January 31, 2022

Wisdom Older Than The Buddha

Dear Reader: What you are about to read is real.

We live on a busy street located just one block from an elementary school. There are 3-stop signs that stop traffic in front of our home and each school day morning for about an hour, I greet the many people taking their children to school or driving to work. 

Nearly all the adults are stressed, most because they're worried about something they fear will happen or something that has happened that upsets them. They are distracted, not living in the now. Their bodies are here, their heads are not. 

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Thursday, January 20, 2022

My Dog's New Name

Dear Reader, 

As you may recall, I have a dog named Carter. He lives full-time with my next-door neighbor who walks him, feeds him, takes him to the vet and does all the other wonderful things pet companions do. I have no involvement. 

But lately, when my neighbor jogs by with Carter, I think she wants me to walk him, which I have no intention of doing. So to be diplomatic, I’ve changed his name.

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Friday, January 7, 2022

The Exciting New Weight Gain Diet!

Dear Reader: This is a Fable and meant in humor. No-one, not even cockroaches should eat this diet. Now please enjoy our Fable:

Are you too skinny? Would you like an easy to use, tasty diet that could quickly add pounds to your body? If the answer is YES, we've got just what you need!

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