Monday, August 1, 2022

Becoming Yoda

Dear Reader, 

A lawsuit was filed against candy company Mars, claiming its Skittles are “unfit for human consumption.” The suit focuses on titanium dioxide, which it calls a “toxin,” causing cancer and altering DNA. https://www.washingtonpost.com/food/2022/07/18/skittles-lawsuit-toxin-titanium-dioxide/

Because I eat Skittles morning, noon and night, I got upset as I noticed the DNA changes in my body. I am now 2-feet tall, green and look and talk like Yoda as these words slipped out, “People to sue us we want not.” In a panic, I contacted my dear friend Yanin Ontiveros to find out what to do.

Print Friendly and PDF

Thursday, July 21, 2022

A Happy Marriage

A 75-year-old couple, Howard and Emily, with glee, were about to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

As their family and friends gathered for this special occasion, Howard suddenly said, "There can be no-more evasion."

"There is something I must say and say it today. For years I've been secretly seeing someone else, and now she is free and wants to be with me." 

Print Friendly and PDF

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

Running Backward

The Potomac Valley Track Club in Virginia just held the US’s first backward track race. There were 14 competitors in 4 events and the Club plans to make this an annual event. 

After reading this, I was so inspired, that this morning I began running backward. So far I’ve run all the way back to 1986.

By the time I’m done running, I expect to shake hands with Abraham Lincoln.

With Love To All - Dick

Print Friendly and PDF

Friday, July 1, 2022

The Great Grocery Store Incident

I went shopping today and while in the store, I visited the cereal aisle. There were what I call Coco Fruity Puffs, cereals loaded with sugar, preservatives, artificial coloring, etc.

My stomach took one look and thrust me against the grocery cart. It said, “If you eat one bite, I will use your hands to strangle you."

Print Friendly and PDF

Saturday, June 25, 2022

Jesus' Kid Brother Shmekel

Occasionally, I've had the great pleasure of being with Jesus. It happened again recently at a homeless shelter shortly after he finished serving breakfast to those in need.

I asked Jesus if we could talk. "Of course my son," he replied. "Can we walk and talk?" "Happily Jesus," I answered.

As we walked out the door, he greeted some homeless people on the sidewalk, and one of them had a puppy. 

"May I hold your puppy for a moment," he asked. "Of course," the man replied. And Jesus snuggled the little dog and gave it back to him.

"I love dogs," Jesus told the man.

And then Jesus turned to me.  "How can I help you my son," he asked with a gentle smile.

Print Friendly and PDF

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

The Mysteries Of Methuselah

One of the most remarkable biblical figures is Methuselah. Born in 3007 BC, he lived to be 969 the longest life span in human history. 

In addition, he became a first-time father at the age of 187, with the birth of his son Lamech by his wife Naamah. He later had more children and wives. 

In our search for enlightenment, we must ask questions about this incredible man:

Print Friendly and PDF

Monday, April 18, 2022

Paying For Noah's Ark

Noah is a biblical figure who God commands to build an Ark so The Almighty can then flood the world to rid it of evil. According to Genesis (6:14 -16): The Ark is to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high. 

Here is the conversation between God and Noah as I envision it.

Print Friendly and PDF

Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Talking Mushrooms

Recently, a British scientist announced mushrooms can "talk" to each other, with a vocabulary of about 50 words. 

I read this news in a real newspaper! (See: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2022/apr/06/fungi-electrical-impulses-human-language-study)

This is stunning but true because I then spoke with the mushrooms in my yard. I thought we'd be friends, but their leader Herbie shouted, “We want a dental plan!”

“Why,” I replied. “You don’t have teeth! “What are you”, yelled mushroom Maria, “A cheapskate?” Then they all started to grumble until I agreed to buy a dental plan for them.

Print Friendly and PDF

Monday, April 4, 2022

Holy Pozole!

As an entrepreneur, I'm always looking for new opportunities and when I read about competitive eater Leah Shutkever, I thought I found one.

Leah is a trim 32-year-old who set a new world record when in 60 seconds she ate nearly 1 pound of McNuggets (19 McNuggets). From this and more Guinness eating records she holds, she has over 174,000 Instagram followers.

I was up for the challenge, when I was told McNuggets aren't vegetarian. I'm a vegetarian, and very disappointed. 

So I ask: Will McDonald’s ever create veggie McNuggets? And if so, would they be edible? And if not, would they still be good on pizzas? 

I'm still awaiting answers.

With Love To All - Dick

Note - Pozole is a popular Mexican dish.

Print Friendly and PDF

My Great New Product

Americans are obsessed with weapons, but often ignore the consequences. It's legal to build an arsenal powerful enough to destroy anything in its path. 

Being an entrepreneur, I'm always seeking economic opportunity, and when it comes to weapons, it is hard to go wrong, especially if one turns a blind eye to the destruction they can cause.

Now I've created a great new product, "Pocket Drones," modeled on U.S. military drones but far smaller.

Print Friendly and PDF

The First Dog Governor of California

Covid lockdowns, Zoom classes, extreme and contradictory restrictions and mandatory vaccinations set off a firestorm and Californians demanded change.

But the politicians didn't listen and some ignored their own rules, so the people elected Lenny, a tiny Chihuahua as governor of California.

Print Friendly and PDF

Wednesday, February 2, 2022

The Happiest Place On Earth

Yesterday my gardener and I discovered a whole gopher community has formed in my backyard. Little piles of soil are everywhere!

An hour later the situation grew worse when the gophers formed a homeowners association and are now demanding a swimming pool, free beer and TV sets.

And if that wasn't enough, one of the gophers mooned me.

I’m at my wits end! I never kill gophers so I’m asking my gardener to return next week with gopher repellent. 

But there is an alternative! I could leave them at Disneyland, officially called "The Happiest Place On Earth," where greater happiness would await them, and like so many Disney characters before them, they may become a major attraction.

And if they do, they will learn never to moon people.

With Love To All - Dick

Print Friendly and PDF

Monday, January 31, 2022

Wisdom Older Than The Buddha

Dear Reader: What you are about to read is real.

We live on a busy street located just one block from an elementary school. There are 3-stop signs that stop traffic in front of our home and each school day morning for about an hour, I greet the many people taking their children to school or driving to work. 

Nearly all the adults are stressed, most because they're worried about something they fear will happen or something that has happened that upsets them. They are distracted, not living in the now. Their bodies are here, their heads are not. 

Print Friendly and PDF

Thursday, January 20, 2022

My Dog's New Name

Dear Reader, 

As you may recall, I have a dog named Carter. He lives full-time with my next-door neighbor who walks him, feeds him, takes him to the vet and does all the other wonderful things pet companions do. I have no involvement. 

But lately, when my neighbor jogs by with Carter, I think she wants me to walk him, which I have no intention of doing. So to be diplomatic, I’ve changed his name.

Print Friendly and PDF

Friday, January 7, 2022

The Exciting New Weight Gain Diet!

Dear Reader: This is a Fable and meant in humor. No-one, not even cockroaches should eat this diet. Now please enjoy our Fable:

Are you too skinny? Would you like an easy to use, tasty diet that could quickly add pounds to your body? If the answer is YES, we've got just what you need!

Print Friendly and PDF