A Library Book Returned After 96 Years

A library book originally checked out in February 1927, “A History of the United States,” by Benson Lossing was recently returned to a Napa County, CA library.

Surfing The Waves of Santa Monica

According to The World Surf League, Australian pro surfer Laura Enever broke the world record when she surfed a 43 foot wave in Hawaii in January.

Goodbye To Binkey

Recently, master repairman Joaquin Miranda, fixed the front lights to our home. But Joaquin had to return a day later, because the lights still did not work.

They didn’t work because Binkey the mouse had eaten the wires, and unable to digest them, he died. Why had he eaten them? He was determined to set a new Guinness Book Of World Records record for wires eaten at one time by one mouse, it was a bold effort!

My Career As A Thief

At 4:50 PM yesterday, a “Flash Mob” of more than 30 people, robbed an Yves Saint Laurent store in the Glendale Mall of about $300,000 in merchandise.

I hate “Flash Mob” robbery, but I was emboldened by this crime, and today tried to rob Costco of two pair of socks. A Girl Scout tackled me, and a store clerk sat on me until the police arrived.

Roman Emperor Nero's Famed Theater

During excavation for the Four Seasons Hotel in Rome, archaeologists were called in when Roman Emperor Nero’s famed but long lost Theater was found.

In related news, 10 minutes after the discovery, Taylor Swift booked, and sold out all of her upcoming concerts there.

The Tour de Turtles

Modeled on the Tour de France, the Sea Turtle Conservancy on August 1st, will launch the Tour de Turtles.

The “race” will include putting trackers on turtle “contestants,” and measuring when and where the turtles go.

But much like the Tour de France, rumors are already swirling about the illegal use of steroids.

Novak Djokovic Shocking Sports News

In shocking sports news, Novak Djokovic will be unable to play for any more tennis championships because no one can pronounce his name.

A Greater Vision

GiveVision has a great new product, that allows sports fans with limited vision to see everything in far greater detail using their new GiveVision headset!

But the biggest market is for matchmakers, such as eHarmony as GiveVision headsets allow a much better look at candidates.

My Exciting New Hollywood Career

Recently, I began pursuing an exciting new career in the entertainment industry. Looking for opportunities, I went to Disneyland, where they auditioned me for a wide variety of roles.

Would they cast me as Mufasa ("The Lion King") or Prince Charming? Well not exactly.

Beenie Von Weenie

At the Weinerschnitzel Weiner Nationals, an annual event held in Los Alamitos, CA a Dachshund named Beenie Von Weenie was declared “The Fastest Wienie of the West” for 2023 after he outran about 100 other Dachshunds. He won $1000 and a new dog house, in this fund raising charity event.

Dial A Cop

There is a new service that allows scared passengers to call a pilot before flying, to ask questions and get reassurance. It’s called Dial A Pilot, and the cost is only $50 for a 15 minute call.

As an entrepreneur, I see another great potential service. Dial A Cop. For just $500 on a stolen credit card you can speak with a retired FBI agent. 

Dental Breakthrough, Regrowing Teeth

The dental profession is excited about a new Japanese medication that could regrow teeth. Clinical trials begin July 2024, and it could be in commercial use by 2030.

A Great New Product, Colachup!

Pepsi just introduced a great new food product, Colachup! It combines cola with ketchup, something the world has always wanted.

As a man into health food, I am thrilled! For this is the first time I can eat a food that will not only immediately clear itself out of my system, but clear out everything else I’ve recently eaten.

Nathan‘s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest

On July 4th, I competed in the Nathan‘s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Joey Chestnut won by eating 62 hotdogs and buns in 10 minutes. 

A Medical Miracle

Last week, I witnessed a Medical Miracle! A 98-year-old man on his deathbed reached for a cup of water, and accidentally drank a cup of hot Sriracha Sauce.

Pitching A Perfect Game

Inspired by Domingo German pitching a perfect game for the New York Yankees over the Oakland A’s (he got all 27 batters out) two nights ago, last night I pitched against a team of peewee leaguers. (ages 6 and 7)

Unfortunately, they hit all my pitches until my manager, my 10 year old grandson Ikaika took me out of the game. We were losing 27 to 0.

Ancient Pizza

In a recent excavation in Pompeii, a city that was buried in volcanic ash in 79 A.D. a fresco of what looks like a pizza was uncovered.

What is striking about this fresco is that mozzarella cheese had not been created yet, nor had tomatoes from South America yet been discovered.

1100 Dolly Parton Impersonators

In an attempt to set a Guinness Book Of World Records record for the number of Dolly Parton impersonators in one place, at one time, the Irish town of Listowel 5-days ago had over 1100 impersonators.

Rescuing A Tiny Turtle

The tiny, adorable Puerto Vallarta Mexican mud turtle, about the size of a thumb, was on the brink of extinction until scientists recently began to save it.

Exciting Offer From Ireland

In their new “Our Living Islands” program, the Irish government announced a grant program of up to $92,000 for those willing to move to various offshore Irish islands, as they try to attract new residents.

Touched by their exciting offer, this morning I wrote the following letter to the Irish Government:

Europe's First Floating Neighborhood

You have heard of houseboats, but in 2019, in an Amsterdam canal the first European floating neighborhood opened.

It’s called Schoonschip and was created by Marjan de Blok. There are 46 homes housing 144 residents.

I interviewed Mr. de Blok:

The Future Of NASA Space Travel

In the news, Kelly Drew, professor of chemistry and biochemistry at the University of Alaska, after decades of studying how Arctic squirrels hibernate, is researching ways humans can “hibernate” during long space missions. Excited by her work, I called NASA Administrator Bill Nelson, but with an even better proposition:

Breaking Octopus News

Proclaimed as a scientific breakthrough, scientists announced they filmed Costello, an octopus, having a nightmare, a first for an octopus. I asked University of Vermont scientist Dr. Eric Angel Ramos, why this is important:

Saving A Special Palm Tree

500 miles east of Madagascar in the Indian Ocean is Mauritius and 15 miles further north is Round Island. There, the last hurricane palm sways in the breeze. Scientists are trying desperately to save this species. To learn more, I spoke with Dr. Yama Bahama.

Rescuing The Koalas

In shocking news, it is estimated that 80% of the koalas in New South Wales, Australia have the sexually transmitted disease chlamydia. To find out how scientists will combat this disease, I spoke to Australian Professor Norman Nerdly:

The Perfect Woman

Guys, have you been searching for that perfect woman? A woman who will:

1) Listen to everything you have to say, and not discuss her "feelings," or anything else that bores you.

2) Have sex with you as often as you like, and not seek a "commitment."

3) Have no baggage from prior relationships or have other personal problems.

If so, I have The Perfect Woman for you:

Why Men Have Gray Hair

The New York Times recently published an exciting new scientific study researching why hair on humans and mice turn gray. Impressed by all the time and money spent on this research, I decided to test it for myself.

A Major Scientific Breakthrough

News Headline: "Researchers Capture Sharpest-Ever Images of a Mouse Brain," Duke University scientists announced.

When asked the relevancy of this scientific breakthrough, Duke scientists had no answer, except to say, "Doing this seemed like a great idea during a Saturday night tequila drinking contest."

Every Bride's Dream Just Came True

Last weekend, The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile came to Las Vegas and in conjunction with the iconic Little White Chapel, where Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were married, held weddings.

The Great Dime Robbery

In the news, approximately 2 million dimes, or about $200,000, was taken from a tractor trailer in a parking lot of the Philadelphia Mills shopping mall complex in north-east Philadelphia on Thursday morning.

Seeing a great story, I approached one of the robbers:

A Remarkable New Egyptian Tomb Discovery

Archeologists recently discovered a 3,200 year-old-tomb belonging to Panehsy, the temple guard of Egyptian deity Amun.

While exploring the tomb yesterday, the archeologists discovered a newspaper interview of Mrs. Panehsy: 

An Amazing Scientific Wonder

At the Berlin Zoo, an elephant, Pang Pha amazed scientists, when despite having no thumbs, she peeled a banana.

Why do people get cancer far more often than other animals

Scientists at Britain's famed Welcome Sanger Institute are trying to learn why humans get cancer far more often than other mammals, such as whales and elephants.

The First Cell Phone Call

On April 3, 1973 Motorola engineer, and inventor Martin Cooper using a brick sized device, made history when he placed the world’s first cell phone call.

It was to Domino’s, and unfortunately, he is still waiting for his pizza to be delivered.

With Love To All - Dick

U.S. Navy Dolphins

Since the 1950s The US Navy has used dolphins to locate explosives and recover submerged objects. But increasingly, underwater drones are replacing dolphins, many of whom are now in old age.

To understand the impact on these old dolphins, I interviewed the eldest of them, Saul.

Maybe The Greatest Investment Ever!

Red Bull is hugely successful, last year selling more than 11 billion cans of energy drinks worldwide!

As investors, if we can capture just a tiny piece of Red Bull's gigantic energy drink market, we will make a fortune! 

To do this, we plan to start Full of Bull, because our cans will be an ounce larger.

Red Bull's target audience is the "young and adventure-seeking," and it loads its drinks with caffeine, sugar, salt and artificial colors.

Its slogan is, "Red Bull gives you wings," implying the "wings" give you the energy to achieve greatness.

We will load ours with the same unhealthy ingredients as Red Bull and our slogan will be, "Full of Bull gives you a big butt." 

Not only is this truth in advertising but it will appeal to the massive audience that sits on the couch watching games rather than ever playing them. 

Mexican President Discovers An Elf

President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador discovered a forest spirit similar to an elf, and he has a photo to prove it. Recognizing the interview of a lifetime, I spoke with this elf, named Alf:

DK: No-one has ever seen you before. Why have you now gone public?

The New Super Oreo

There is a new Super Oreo, Most Oreo, "the most Oreo Oreo ever," according to the company. Believe it or not, it is Oreos stuffed with more Oreos!

I knew at last I could attain my lifetime goal of getting into the Guinness Book of World Records, by eating the most Most Oreo Oreos ever.

So I bought a huge bag of them, and told Guinness I would promptly eat them all.

Buying Girl Scout Cookies, 2-18-23

At Starbucks today, six of the cutest little Girl Scouts and their lovely mothers were selling cookies.

Under the California Adorable Law, it was mandatory for me to buy their cookies.

A Squad Of Drug-Sniffing Squirrels

According to The Washington Post, a Chinese police unit said it "successfully trained" six Eurasian red squirrels to sniff out drugs, as this elite little squad can get into tight places dogs cannot reach.

Impressed, I interviewed Sammy, the squirrel squad leader to learn more:

"Big Ass Mexican Pizza"

In honor of the Super Bowl, Taco Bell is introducing a “Big Ass Mexican Pizza,” four times the size of its regular Mexican Pizza.

To prepare for the challenge of trying to eat one of these things, my stomach and I had a talk. “Are you nuts,” screamed my stomach, “It’s so high in calories, fats and cholesterol, it could kill us!”

Interviewing The Chinese Weather Balloon

Today on Zoom, I briefly interviewed the Chinese Weather Balloon:

Why were you flying over Montana? “I was on vacation.”

How do you feel about being called the size of three buses? “It was insulting! I already have a bad self body image and now I will never have the confidence to attract lady balloons.”

How do you feel about being called a spy? “It’s ridiculous! When I fly, everyone can see me. James Bond, I’m not.“

What are your future plans? “I’m going to vacation by flying over the Congress and the White House. Those are great places for me to fill up with hot air.“

With Love To All - Dick

Forgiving The Witches

“After nearly 400 years, Connecticut is considering posthumously exonerating the people, mostly women, accused of witchcraft in the 17th and 18th centuries.”

Alse Young was the first women, hanged May 26, 1647. Wanting to know her reaction to possibly being exonerated in 2023, I went to a spiritual medium, who then brought Alse into the room.

The Oldest Mummy

It was reported last week Egyptian archaeologists discovered a 4300 year old mummy, the oldest mummy yet found. His name was Hekashepes and he was entombed in a limestone sarcophagus (fancy coffin).

Talking To Your Houseplants

The Washington Post recently ran a story, “The case for talking to your houseplants.” Inspired, I called a meeting of my roses:

The Greatest Neighborhood Watch

To keep us safe from crime, my neighbors and I formed a neighborhood watch. And we warn intruders that there is an imminent armed response.

That warning is real. With weapons so plentiful in the U.S. I made a great buy on a Howitzer, which now sets on my front lawn. 

It stands 9-feet tall, and 9-feet wide, weighs 16,000 pounds and will intimidate any intruders. Unfortunately, it does have two major problems:

Rescuing Marty The Lab Mouse

A new U.S. law has ended the requirement that all drugs be tested on lab mice or other animals prior to human trials. This is a great news for animal rights activists.

But a protest began from an unlikely source. Marty Mouse cried out, “How am I supposed to support a wife and 47 children without my lab income?”

Fortunately, Peloton had the answer. 

An Amazing Discovery In Israel

Archaeologists in Israel made an amazing discovery: 780,000 year old fish dinner waste! This means early humans cooked dinners nearly a million years ago! 

They don’t know who these people were or how the dinner waste lasted so long but I think it happened something like this: