Dickie, Jr.

Recently, I invested thousands of dollars in an advanced technology toilet from the Japanese firm Toto. Because this toilet was so expensive, I named it in honor of myself, Dickie, Jr.

Dickie, Jr. is a toilet packed with computer chips that perform his many functions and at first, he only spoke in beeps and chirps. Those sounds were easy to hear, and it occurred to me I could teach him to talk.

So, I actively began, and at first had some remarkable results, as he always spoke in a happy tone and I understood everything he said, such as, “How are you today?“

But then he began learning on his own and now loves to be a critic and to gossip. For example, yesterday he said:

“You know you could lose some weight.“ Insulted by his comment, I replied, “How is that any of your business?“

He replied, “That shirt doesn’t look good on you either.“ I responded, “I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

And then it got worse. This morning he said, “I think our neighbor is cheating on her husband. Do you know what time she got in last night?“

I answered, “This is none of our business.“

He is now becoming a constant source of insults and gossip, and as much as I detest it, I hate to take away his language skills.

I’m going to reprogram him to speak in Russian instead of English. I don’t know Russian, so I won’t understand these awful things he says, but I can still enjoy his happy tone of voice and his company.

With Love To All - Dick