The Parting Of The Red Sea

According to the bible, about 3,000 years ago, with guidance from God, Moses led the Israelites to freedom from the Egyptians.

The most crucial time in their journey was when God parted the Red Sea.

The Israelites passed through on their way to the promised land, and the pursuing Egyptian army was drowned when the sea came crashing down on them.

But recently, the long-lost writings of Moses' assistant Mickey were discovered and what follows is his first hand account:

"On our way to the Red Sea, Moses got lost several times," wrote Mickey. "But no matter what, he wouldn't ask for directions."

"By the time we got to the Red Sea," thousands of children were asking, 'Are we there yet, Are we there yet?' It was almost unbearable. It just wouldn't stop."

"Meanwhile, from the adults we heard constant complaints such as, 'I need to go the bathroom again' and 'my feet are killing me.' And one more 'oy vey' would have been too much for me to take."

"From the shore of the Red Sea, we could see the Egyptian army was drawing near. But just then, God took mercy on us."

"We heard the beautiful harmony of female singers, and then the mighty voice of God spoke."

"Moses," He said, "you're a putz. If you'd asked for directions you'd have been here days ago. "

"Then God said to Moses, 'raise your staff,' and as Moses raised his staff, the sea parted."

"Now you have a shortcut to the promised land," said God. "Go quickly."

"And with God's words," Mickey continued, "By the thousands we and our animals passed through."

"But God was merciful to the Egyptian army as well," Mickey added.

"He didn't drown them and their animals as was reported for they too are his creation and God wanted them to go home safely to their families."

"But to punish the Pharaoh, God unleashed a greedy group of lobbyists upon them and said unto them, 'Bring these lobbyists back to your Pharaoh.' "

"The lobbyists will constantly demand special favors," said God. "And bribe government officials, and your Pharaoh will soon cry out for mercy."

"But this is the price he must pay for having enslaved the Israelites."

"I only chose lobbyists," God added, "Because I'm temporarily out of locusts, and because for now I've got to keep an eye on Moses before he gets lost again."

With Love To All ~ Dick

Dear Reader, to translate into modern language, a "putz" is somebody who screws up and a "staff" is a tall cane