Thursday, February 20, 2020

The Birds & The Bees

Yesterday there was a tapping at my back door. As I opened the door, I saw 25 small sparrows standing on my lawn. No sparrow stood taller than 4 inches.

“I'm Lizzie,“ said a sparrow. “We want to know why you are feeding us breakfast pastry crumbs? Don’t you know you’re making us fat and sick?“

“Why did you stop feeding us healthy bread crumbs,“ she asked. “I’m sorry,“ I replied. "Recently I haven't eaten as wisely as I usually do."

“Sorry doesn’t cut it mister,” she responded. “Look at Charlie over there,“ as she motioned with her right wing.

I looked, and saw a fat little bird.

“Charlie,” Lizzie shouted. “Show him how you fly.” Charlie flapped his wings, rose about 3 inches, and then landed flat on his back in a pile of red leaves.

And notice Gladys," Lizzie added, as I saw a chubby sparrow gasping for air.

"You know you birds should find food in the wild," I said as I looked at Charlie dusting himself off and heard Gladys wheezing.

"Is that all you have to say,” stated Lizzie. “We are as domesticated as you are!"

“OK,“ I replied. “From now on I will eat properly and leave healthy crumbs for you. But under no circumstances will I help get you into shape!”

But when I saw Charlie and Gladys each give me the stink eye, I agreed to get them into shape. Finally, the birds left.

A moment later, there was a buzzing outside my back door.

When I opened the door, there was a swarm of bees staring up at me.

"I'm Frankie," said their leader. "We heard what you promised the birds and we want the same. And it would't hurt you to plant more flowers."

"This is crazy," I shouted. "When did I become responsible for the welfare of the birds and the bees?"

"When you built your home in mother nature," Frankie replied. "You and we are all part of mother nature, and each of us must play our role. Feeding and exercising us is your role."

"Okay," I said hesitantly and closed the door.

But after thinking about it overnight, I got so upset, I decided to sell my home. When the "For Sale" sign was put on the front lawn, I immediately heard from the birds and the bees.

"Why are you selling," they asked. "Because you guys drive me crazy. Next I'm going to hear from the squirrels and the chipmunks, each demanding that I take care of them."

"Where are you going to go," Charlie asked. "To a high rise condominium," I replied. "Where the only part of mother nature is a potted plant."

"Just a minute," said Lizzie. "We need to talk this over among us." The birds and the bees then talked to each other.

While I waited, I thought the birds and bees would come to their senses, back off on their demands and I wouldn't have to sell my home.

A moment later Frankie said, "We're in agreement. We wish you well, but leave the TV." "And the TV remote," added Charlie.

"I've heard enough," I said. And as I turned and started to close the door, I heard, "And leave the refrigerator, the vitamins and the exercise equipment."

With Love To All - Dick

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