The Village Idiot

In my village, I've long been the unchallenged idiot for taking positions everyone knows are wrong. 

For I oppose censorship, including "hate speech," arrest of non-violent marijuana dealers, the U.S. wars and endless government deficit spending.

But now I have many village idiot challengers. News stories misstating everything from viruses, to national security/espionage, to the environment are everywhere.

These many perpetrators by comparison are making me appear intelligent, which I never thought could happen.

Starbucks, Fruit Drink Of Champions

Dear Reader, 

Joan Kominis of Queens, New York filed a lawsuit claiming that several of the Starbucks fruit drinks don’t actually contain the fruit their names imply, and instead are "predominantly made with water, grape juice concentrate, and sugar."

Because I love drinks comprised of water, grape juice concentrate and sugar, I’ve become a devoted fan of Starbucks’ “fruit” drinks. Each day, I tell my Barista to serve me a “Trenta,” a nearly 2-pound drink. But today, everything changed:   

Becoming Yoda

Dear Reader, 

A lawsuit was filed against candy company Mars, claiming its Skittles are “unfit for human consumption.” The suit focuses on titanium dioxide, which it calls a “toxin,” causing cancer and altering DNA. https://www.washingtonpost.com/food/2022/07/18/skittles-lawsuit-toxin-titanium-dioxide/

Because I eat Skittles morning, noon and night, I got upset as I noticed the DNA changes in my body. I am now 2-feet tall, green and look and talk like Yoda as these words slipped out, “People to sue us we want not.” In a panic, I contacted my dear friend Yanin Ontiveros to find out what to do.

A Happy Marriage

A 75-year-old couple, Howard and Emily, with glee, were about to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

As their family and friends gathered for this special occasion, Howard suddenly said, "There can be no-more evasion."

"There is something I must say and say it today. For years I've been secretly seeing someone else, and now she is free and wants to be with me." 

Running Backward

The Potomac Valley Track Club in Virginia just held the US’s first backward track race. There were 14 competitors in 4 events and the Club plans to make this an annual event. 

After reading this, I was so inspired, that this morning I began running backward. So far I’ve run all the way back to 1986.

By the time I’m done running, I expect to shake hands with Abraham Lincoln.

With Love To All - Dick

The Great Grocery Store Incident

I went shopping today and while in the store, I visited the cereal aisle. There were what I call Coco Fruity Puffs, cereals loaded with sugar, preservatives, artificial coloring, etc.

My stomach took one look and thrust me against the grocery cart. It said, “If you eat one bite, I will use your hands to strangle you."

Jesus' Kid Brother Shmekel

Occasionally, I've had the great pleasure of being with Jesus. It happened again recently at a homeless shelter shortly after he finished serving breakfast to those in need.

I asked Jesus if we could talk. "Of course my son," he replied. "Can we walk and talk?" "Happily Jesus," I answered.

As we walked out the door, he greeted some homeless people on the sidewalk, and one of them had a puppy. 

"May I hold your puppy for a moment," he asked. "Of course," the man replied. And Jesus snuggled the little dog and gave it back to him.

"I love dogs," Jesus told the man.

And then Jesus turned to me.  "How can I help you my son," he asked with a gentle smile.