Talking To Your Houseplants

The Washington Post recently ran a story, “The case for talking to your houseplants.” Inspired, I called a meeting of my roses:

The Greatest Neighborhood Watch

To keep us safe from crime, my neighbors and I formed a neighborhood watch. And we warn intruders that there is an imminent armed response.

That warning is real. With weapons so plentiful in the U.S. I made a great buy on a Howitzer, which now sets on my front lawn. 

It stands 9-feet tall, and 9-feet wide, weighs 16,000 pounds and will intimidate any intruders. Unfortunately, it does have two major problems:

Rescuing Marty The Lab Mouse

A new U.S. law has ended the requirement that all drugs be tested on lab mice or other animals prior to human trials. This is a great news for animal rights activists.

But a protest began from an unlikely source. Marty Mouse cried out, “How am I supposed to support a wife and 47 children without my lab income?”

Fortunately, Peloton had the answer. 

An Amazing Discovery In Israel

Archaeologists in Israel made an amazing discovery: 780,000 year old fish dinner waste! This means early humans cooked dinners nearly a million years ago! 

They don’t know who these people were or how the dinner waste lasted so long but I think it happened something like this: 

A Christmas Miracle

Desperately hoping for a Christmas Miracle I waited in line behind many children. When my turn came, a startled Santa looked at me and said, “How old are you?”

“77 Santa,” I replied, “And I have been good.” His elves agreed. “What would you like,” he asked with a smile as if he already knew.

“I want to visit the past,” I answered, “To a time 50-years-ago, when I heard a little girl in a homeless shelter ask her mother for a new doll, and her mother replied, “No! We can’t afford it!”

Licking A Sonoran Desert Toad

On October 31st, The U.S. National Park Service issued a Facebook alert: Do not lick Sonoran Desert Toads! Why?

The little toads emit a potent hallucinogenic toxin, meaning licking these little guys can cause you to hallucinate.

Now you may be thinking Dick, this is just what I want, especially when I can lick these little toads for free. 

The Cycles Of Life

As Mira laid in her hospital bed, her doctor told her she was at life's end. Instead of being upset, she smiled and requested a bowl of ripe red strawberries, some whipped cream and two forks.

Earlier that day, her family and friends had visited her and spoke of all the good times they had shared with her. Now with her diagnosis, Mira was at peace with herself.